The Authentic Me

As a mommy, wife, friend, sister and daughter I wear many hats. Sometimes, I confuse different hats with different personalities. I am the loud mouth daughter, the witty friend (at least I hope I am), the supportive sister, loving wife {well, most of the time I am. I do have limits and sometimes that man just ain't right} and a mommy that my kiddos will one day appreciate even if I am 'mean' right now.  The point that I am making is,  that sometimes I wonder if I am truly authentic? Is my personality so fractured that I become a completely new person for each faction of my life?

I'm sure I overlap 'personalities', but am I authentic? I like to believe that being authentic doesn't melt away with each situation. I like to think that being authentic is letting those that surround me see the real me warts and all. Sometimes I am crude and raw.  I see my poor mother brace herself for what will come out of my mouth, {sorry ma}, but that can be who I am--frankly, I think that people would be surprised if I turned up somewhere and was quite.

I see other mommies {who are my friends not imagined or anything} blend their personalities so effortlessly and I wonder: Have they had more practice at hiding their crazy or is mine so momentous that it's harder to hide? I'm going with that they've had more practice blending their multiple personalities; otherwise, I have to face up with the fact that I really am nutso.

I guess the point of this blog is to let it out. I realize that I am not crazy, well anymore crazy than a 'normal' person I just allow the different roles of my life to play out loud. In some ways we all allow different parts of our personality to shine depending on what we are doing. I've never been accused of being a totally rotten human so, I guess that it in itself is a ray of sunshine on the personality front.

I will be more aware of being authentic and try to do better at blending all of my personality traits together {God help my poor mother} so that everyone that I love will get to know me, the real me and I will do the same with them.

Lesson Learned: You can be as real as you want-- until you pass gas and then it is always the dogs fault. I don't care if you don't own a dog ---I'm sure you have a neighbor that does so it all works out.

Mommyhood: Pay Your Dues Here

Let's be clear here, Mommyhood is a club where dues are definitely paid. The choice to join the club is both exciting and scary. Being a mommy is scary even when you make the conscious decision to be a mommy. This club, where women gather and share heartwarming or wrenching stories often welcomes newbies with open arms so that they too can have a strong shoulder when the moment of realization hits: I am responsible for a life. This is now the most important job I will have.  Many outsiders of this club will look upon those who stumbled into mommyhood as interlopers--women not truly understanding the overwhelming task and sacrifice a mommy must make and that may be true, but they are members of this club regardless.

The first day you are on your new "job" {even if you're going to go back to a full time job} you will stare lovingly into the eyes of this brand new baby and think "Oh My God--what now?" Being alone can make a new mommy nervous especially if they wait until later in life to start a family.  New mommies will feel an overwhelming desire to try to be perfect. This is a dream, nothing is ever perfect with parenthood, it's all about finding a new normal and mourning for the life that you've given up. People looked at me strangely when I say this. I mourned for my old life after having twins; that is NORMAL and don't feel bad if you do.

Love is important, but having a realistic idea of what needs to happen is ideal. Love warms your soul ;being mentally prepared for a is baby priceless. Share your curiosities with mommies who have been around the block they will help ease your fears and offer great advice. Why keep hitting your head against the wall if someone else has something that will help you get on with life smoothly?

So, yes there are dues in mommyhood and you will pay them in more than one way. Unfortunately, you never know the form of payment until it comes due.

Save the Drama for your Mama...wait--that's me...OH NO!

I have twins, currently they are three and full of all sorts of opinions and theories on how to manage one's life. We have a boy and girl set of twins {Did I just hear a gasp?} You were probably gasping out of joy and excitement like we were when we first learned our children's gender---the day they were born. Now, we gasp because boys and girls are so very different. Being a girl I've never had figure out or worry about the differences of being a boy other than the random pleadings of a teenager imploring to her mother that a baby brother should not get pointy cowboy boots no matter how cute you think he looks, but I digress.

I thought the boy would be harder to parent---don't get me wrong he is NOT a piece of cake, but I can easily figure out his needs: Where's my baseball cards? Why can't I wear this shirt everyday for two weeks? She hit me first.... you see where this is going right?

My daughter on the other hand who I thought would be the easier of the two {and to her credit sometimes she is} can be the most difficult. She screams. Not the normal three-year old scream. It's an octave that I didn't know even existed and I fear that one day she will actually scream so loudly that the cemetery occupants will stop by and ask us to lower the noise level. We don't encourage the screaming, we are firm with her and she knows that it is not okay, but she still does it. I've asked other mothers about this and they nod their heads close their eyes ever so slightly as if lost in a torturous memory that, well, most likely involved screaming. So, I am comforted in the fact that this is not an experience unique to me or my daughter.

The best part of this little vignette is when I am surrounded by family and said family who shall remain nameless {rhymes with "Tom"} casually says, "you know, when you were little you had a set of lungs on you that could wake the dead too" gives a lingering smile and glides out the door chuckling softly.

Lesson Learned: Screaming apparently is genetic as are many other things of a flawed personality  I'm sure {Great Cesar's Ghost!} and Ear plugs come in all sorts of pretty new fashions now.

I have to have what removed? Now? But I'm Busy.

Life. It's funny some days it's so slow I'm sure that I can hear the wings of the humming birds my mind imagines when I look out the windows of my classroom and home. Then, there are the other days when life hits you at full speed and you either run for fear of being run over or you stand there and hope that the impact won't leave any lasting scars.

I teach, I'm a teacher.  I am in love with literature. There I said it. I am a book nerd. I salivate at the thought of obtaining new books or now ebooks {love that kindle of mine, thanks hubby}. I read the stories over and over again. I repeat, I am a book nerd.  With that being said, the state believes that inspiring a student's love of literature isn't enough, they want to test every single aspect of what they have learned over the course of the year. Here I was trying to pull these early memories forward, preparing for a friend's baby shower and my baby sister's nuptials. Oh and my stomach felt like it wanted to reenact the Civil War one night. I did what any busy mommy/teacher would do. I took some Tums slept in the opposite direction than normal and wished the pain away reasoning with myself that I could indeed do that. Turns out my magical powers only allowed a two day truce with my stomach and my ever growing schedule of things to accomplish.

After the baby shower was over life settled down, state testing was the next night what the students knew they knew and we were prepared as we could be to send off my little sister into wedded bliss until early Sunday morning {4 a.m. to be exact} the war started to resume and I knew it wasn't good.  I woke my slumbering husband who asked in confused tones, "wha, you're going to the where? what time is it? okay text me when they tell you you're fine".  So, off to the emergency room I go to ease my fears of an exploding appendix.  After telling the nurse my symptoms I was immediately sent back and set up with an IV. Not the cocktail I had been dreaming of, but at least I didn't scream when she put the needle in. After seeing a few doctors, {I luckily made in to the ER right at a shift change} they confirmed that my gallbladder would need to be removed and that it would be happening sometime today. {insert silent scream here}. I texted one of my students so they would know what was happening {I know weird} along with the hubby who immediately went the "oh crap, sorry I thought you had gas" speech.  Not really thinking about my gallbladder or the intensity of the surgery I agreed and mumbled, "the naughty gallbladder has got to go!"

Almost twenty-four hours later my gallbladder was removed with four incisions with one being larger than it's mates--evidently they had to 'tug' a little to get it out. I asked if I could go back to work in the next few days, swing dancing, yoga and to my sister's wedding--which was in five days and I was the matron of honor. The doctor looked at me and smiled clearly believing that the anesthesia held a tight grip on my faculties. Ha! Little did she know I was serious until I tried to walk or go to the bathroom.

Nothing is more humbling than asking someone to help walk you to the bathroom ---so you can pee with an audience.

Lesson learned:  Gallbladders and other internal organs can be naughty and may need a permanent time out. Also, just because you think you're too busy to take care of yourself you're really not in charge of what will happen next. 

In case you're worried {the two people who read this blog} all worked out fine. I was able to be with my students as they finished up their state testing {I wasn't supposed to, but I worked out a a deal to be with them in the morning during testing}, hobble down the aisle in my baby sister's wedding and watch her enter the newest phase of her life all the while realizing that life doesn't always have to be jam packed to be worthwhile, because swing dance waits for you even if you're hobbling during the triple step.